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The OFFICIAL Joke Thread

Postby SUBBYRU89 on Wed Mar 24, 2004 2:17 am

and I have nothing to read!

Soooo... I'm ganna start a little joke page. Got something good? Make me laugh. (Let's see how long this can go on)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

** When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping"; now I just "chunky dunk".
** Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
** Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
** My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
** Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
** Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
** If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
** Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
Last edited by SUBBYRU89 on Sat Oct 28, 2006 9:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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It's like 2:30 am

Postby Hocrest on Wed Mar 24, 2004 2:30 am

Bad Tips from Martha Stewart:

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost nstantly removed.[/b]
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Postby austinXT6 on Wed Mar 24, 2004 8:00 am

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never, is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be... ?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer .
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door .
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun ?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks
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Postby SUBBYRU89 on Wed Mar 24, 2004 8:04 am

ROTFLMAO! :lol: :lol:
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Postby grossgary on Wed Mar 24, 2004 6:01 pm

clap clap clap clap...nice work austin.
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Postby Macfreke on Wed Mar 24, 2004 7:12 pm

*Disclaimer: I apologize for any offense, but it's a cute joke...

"NOT THIS TIME"

There was a married couple in which the husband had always wanted a son. Instead, he had two daughters. Two of the most beautiful girls ever seen. Although thankful for them, he still wanted a son. Finally, the wife got pregnant again, and the doctors said it was a boy. He was ecstatic! When it was time for his son to be born, he waited outside shaking with excitement. After what seemed like eternity, the doctors called him in to see his son. He ran into the room, and stopped... speechless. "That has got to be the UGLIEST baby I've EVER seen!" His wife had no response. The man thought for a minute while pacing around the room, then asked his wife, "Have you been messin around on me?" His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time, Honey."

WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE

1. Park your car on the side of the road and point a hairdryer at oncoming cars. Watch them slam on their brakes.
2. Sing the batman theme incessantly.
3. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors"
4. Specify that your drive through order is to go...more than once.
5. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking up your camcorder to your TV and pointing it at the screen.
6. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
7. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all of your food and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub"
8. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, and 99 copies.
9. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
10. Leave your turn signal on for 50 miles.
11. Name your dog "dog"
12. Insist on keeping your windshield wipers on in all weather conditions to "keep them in tune".
13. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
14. Declare your apartment an independent nation and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
15. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was hilarious.
16. Follow a few paces behind someone spraying everything they touch with lysol.
17. Practice making fax and modem noises.
18. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
19. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
20. Disassemble someone's pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


Me

PS One more thing to say to your boss... "This is NOT Burger King. You CANNOT 'have it your way'."
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Women Drivers

Postby SUBBYRU89 on Wed Mar 24, 2004 9:04 pm

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Honda Civic doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned me, ruined
the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers ! !
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Postby DerFahrer on Thu Mar 25, 2004 1:14 am

^^^LOL :lol:

Macfreke wrote:15. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was hilarious.
I can do something like that...

A little boy was walking to school when two old ladies stopped him and told him a word. The word had no context to anything he could think of, and he was thoroughly confused.

Once he got to school, he wanted to speak to the teacher about it. He said "Teacher, these two old ladies came up to me on the street. They told me a word and I don't understand it." The teacher said "Well, what's the word?" He said "Purple velvet." The teacher's face turned ashen and she screamed at him to leave the room and go straight to the principal's office.

The principal saw the boy come in and said "I've never seen you in here before, what happened?" The boy said, "Well, these two old ladies came up to me on the street. They told me a word and I didn't understand it. So I told it to my teacher and she got real mad and sent me here." He said, "What word did you say?" He said "Purple velvet." The principal stormed out of the room and came back in a few minutes and told the boy he was expelled from school for such filthy language and to go home.

So the boy went home. His mother was surprised that he was home so early, and asked what happened. The boy told the story again: "Well, these two old ladies came up to me on the street. They told me a word and I didn't understand it. So I told it to my teacher and she sent me to the principal, and I told it to him and he expelled me from school." His mom said, "What word did you say?" He said "Purple velvet." She screamed in terror and demanded that he go up to his room until his father got home.

His father got home and went up to his room. "Your mother is VERY uspet with you. Wanna tell me what's going on?" Again: "Well, these two old ladies came up to me on the street. They told me a word and I didn't understand it. So I told it to my teacher and she sent me to the principal, and I told it to him and he expelled me from school. I came home and told it to my mom and she sent me to my room." His dad said "Which word was that?" He said "Purple velvet." His dad slapped him across the face and said he could no longer live in that house after saying such a horrible word.

Needless to say, the boy is VERY confused at this point and was wandering around the night street trying to figure out what was going on. A policeman saw him and stopped him. "Son, you're awfully young to be wandering around this late, how did you get here?" Redundantly, the boy tells of his predicament: "Well, these two old ladies came up to me on the street. They told me a word and I didn't understand it. So I told it to my teacher and she sent me to the principal, and I told it to him and he expelled me from school. I came home and told it to my mom and she sent me to my room. Then I told it to my father and he kicked me out of the house for good." The officer said "What word was it?" He said "Purple velvet." The officer jumped out of his car and tackled the boy and put him in handcuffs and hauled him off to jail.

The boy was sentenced to 25 years in prison for the word "purple velvet." After he served his sentence, he was set free a man and was determined to find out why this one word had completely ruined his entire life.

As he was walking, he couldn't believe his eyes: he saw the two old ladies that told him the word!!! He rushed over to them and demanded to know what "purple velvet" meant, as it had destroyed his life. They said, "Go to the corner of Main and 5th and knock on the yellow door 3 times at exactly 12AM tonight, no earlier, no later."

He tried his best to get there on time, but he arrived at 12:02 AM. He knocked 3 times on the door anyway, no answer. He tried it again, no answer. Again, no answer. So now the man had his life taken away from him because of one word and now he had lost his only chance to find out why. He walked into the street right into the path of an oncoming car. He was killed instantly.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.

:D
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Postby Macfreke on Thu Mar 25, 2004 1:34 pm

good moral! :)
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Postby SUBBYRU89 on Thu Mar 25, 2004 3:25 pm

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and
its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These
great questions and answers are from the days when
Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull
as they are now. Host Peter Marshall asked the
questions, of course. Younger readers may not know who
some of these people are. Even if you don't know
them....the answers are hysterical


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo! "What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.Charley Weaver: His feet
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Postby SUBBYRU89 on Thu Mar 25, 2004 6:41 pm

I try to watch it every night, but I still like the older ones best.
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Postby SUBBYRU89 on Thu Mar 25, 2004 6:52 pm

WARNING :!: :!: :!:

Not for the eyes and ears of the innocent (children that is)
May be offensive to some and funny for others...

I warned you!

~*~Make sure you have the volume on~*~

:D :D :D
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Postby SUBBYRU89 on Tue Mar 30, 2004 2:32 am

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.
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Postby austinXT6 on Tue Mar 30, 2004 8:01 am

(I like the credits for the tit-tazzler)
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